Here are some things I've learned about babies since becoming a dad two months ago. I'm writing these as I look at my baby girl.

• Babies can and will eject large volumes of material from either end of their bodies at will. And there's always more where that came from.

• Babies pass gas loudly and passionately at inopportune times, such as the middle of one of grandpa's sermons.

• The more you want to relax the harder your baby will cry. That's just the way it works. Deal with it.

• Babies make grown men do irrational things, such as talk in falsetto voices and say things like, "Awww, is my wittle girl sweepy?"

• There is a one in three chance that your baby will urinate as you are trying to give it a bath, forcing you to restart the bathing process from the beginning.

• Nothing is cuter than a baby sneezing.

• Except a baby smiling.

• Everybody wants to hold a baby. If a man were to charge one dollar for every time someone wanted to hold his baby, he would be a millionaire in a little less than three hours.

• Being a dad is the greatest thing in the world.